Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 3-12-2019

~ If you stop and think about it … gynecologists, proctologists, and dentists help the hole community.

~ I believe in annoyed at first sight.

~ Objects in mirror are more sad than they appear.

~ I can make all your dreams come true … as long as your dream is to be disappointed.

~ Sorry. When I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed, I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.

~ After this morning’s torture session, I think this is how the world will end … not with a bang, but with an elementary school recorder concert.

~ The main thing stopping me from seeing if I could in fact get away with murder, is that if I fail, orange is absolutely NOT my color.

~ While your thoughts may be worth more than a penny, I’m not the one that sets the prices.

~ Sometimes I use big words I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

~ Women who find me attractive are a lot like unicorns … they don’t exist.

~ My life spiraled downhill as soon as it became socially unacceptable for me to sit in the shopping cart while my Mom pushed it.

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~ My life is basically a series of doing things OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) told me not to do.

~ I’ve been trying to convince myself that cloning is possible … but he's still skeptical.

~ If I ever joined an on-line dating service, I’d probably get matched up with a sofa.

~ I have nothing in common with people that learn from their mistakes.

~ While ultimately sad, having, "Nun'chuk'd to death" on your death certificate would be pretty cool.

~ I wish I could lose weight as fast as I lose my patience.

~ I asked OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) what she would do if I were ever kidnapped. She said, “Probably take a quick nap, wait for them to drop you back off, and thenlisten while they apologized.”

~ I’ve done some things I’m not proud of … but they were pretty dang hilarious.

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Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 1-22-2019

~ I have a lot to do today, so I’m scanning my social media.

~ Did you know you could use Cheetos as air quotes? You’re welcome.

~ As she sent me a tweet yesterday, OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) autocorrect tried to change tater tots to Tater Toots, and I think she has now stumbled on her redneck stripper name.

~ I was daydreaming about defeating an armed attacker with a flying spin kick yesterday and then a homeless man startled me and I dropped my salad at the buffet.

~ I’m contemplating opening a Donut Shop next to Whole Foods and calling it Hole Foods.

~ There’s no real secret to being as old as I am and remaining as stupid as I am.

~ I’m so unpopular right now even the voices in my head aren’t talking to me.

~ If money grew on trees, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) STILL wouldn’t be able to take care of that plant.

~ It’s not my inner-child that is a problem … it’s my inner-idiot that surfaces way too often.

~ When I die I bet people will think back lovingly about me and say, “Oh, I thought he was already dead.”

~ I’ve started making our dog and cat watch commercials about homeless animals so they know just how good they have it.

~ I have reached that lameass stage of life where I consider cereal a treat.

~ So today I spent 3 hours at a rally against the 1% thinking it was about cell phone battery status.

~ I really don’t care what the definition of apathy is …

~ If I took the time to be embarrassed by my mistakes I’d NEVER get anything else done.

~ Someone at The Wal*Marts just pointed at me when I walked by and said, “See? Presentable.” Now I‘m not sure of the context, but I think I’m honored.

~ It’s NOT everyone else … it’s me. The problem is me.

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Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 1-9-2019

~ I remember as a teen excitedly calculating my first paycheck … and then someone told me about taxes.

~ For the last week I’ve been breaking into our neighbor’s trailer every night and not taking anything … but putting a cape on their dog.

~ When I’m in The Wal*Marts I whisper, “I can eat cookies whenever the hell I want” to little kids when their moms aren’t looking.

~ I have abs … olutely no interest in eating salad. Now please pass the REAL food.

~ Today I reflected on all the great things I’ve done in my life … and it only took 2 minutes.

~ Not saying we need groceries, but my dinner tonight was a crouton sandwich.

~ If I were a super hero a lot of people would probably die.

~ I don’t always apologize when I know I’m wrong, but when I do, it’s not sincere.

~ I remember my prom date said she wanted a pink corsage, but I knew she’d prefer the more sensible, longer-lasting fern in a hanging basket.

~ My dream job is to be the conductor on the gravy train.

~ Four words you never want to hear from the lady standing behind you in the line at The Wal*Marts: “Does this look infected?”

~ If you’re willing to overlook the occasional vague, unidentifiable bits, the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood Chinese diner is actually quite good.

~ I’ll start respecting crossing guards when they start peeling themselves off the hood of my truck.

~ What has to go so wrong in your life that you’re “liking” mayonnaise on Facebook? I’m seriously worried about my cousin.

~ Few indicators of sobriety are as effective as when you realize the escalator you have been riding for 5 minutes is actually a stairway.

~ I’m so glad I pay for 500 channels when I only watch two.

~ Went to an auction feeling sad, and now we have to declare bankruptcy.

~ Not only is my thesaurus terrible, but it’s also terrible.

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The Job Interview … 11-25-2018

** CAUTION ** If you’re one of the easily offended snowflakes, it might be best to just skip over this one …

You’ve been warned.

So it seems a buddy of mine that I was in Iraq with found a job on guvernmentjobs.com that he felt he was qualified for, so he applied on-line.

Well a few days later he received a notice that he was indeed qualified and was invited in for an interview.

The day arrived and he went down to the guvernment building at the appointed time and was soon ushered in to an office.

The interview was pretty basic … name, address, previous jobs … that kind of stuff. So the interviewer was looking over his application and had just a few additional questions.

Are you allergic to anything?

My buddy replied yes, that he was allergic to caffeine and couldn’t drink coffee.

The interviewer made a note.

Next he was asked if he had any prior military service.

And my buddy replied that yes, he had served for a few years and had served one tour in Iraq.

The interviewer made a note and spoke up and told him that was great. His military service would give him a 5-point edge over other applicants.

The next question was did he have any injuries that was disabling in any way.

My buddy, being honest, squirmed a little and then told him that, yes, while he was in Iraq, a bomb had gone off next to me and blown off both of his testicles.

The interviewer grimaced, but he made a note and told my buddy that he had scored high enough to be hired immediately. He explained that the job was Monday-Friday, 8:00-4:00, an he could start the next day at 10:00 … and to plan on starting everyday after that at 10:00 as well.

My buddy was kind of confused at that and asked a question to clarify. He said if the hours are 8:00-4:00, why should I come in at 10:00 every day?

The interviewer told him, well buddy, this is a guvernment job. For the first two hours every morning we stand around, drink coffee, and scratch our balls. So there’s no point in you coming in for that.

PLEASE DON’T SEND ME COMPLAINTS!! I warned you in the first line …

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$50 dollars is $50 dollars … 10-31-2018

This one never fails to make me laugh …

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every
year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride costs $50
dollars, and $50 dollars is $50 dollars.”

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I’m
85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter this time, I might never get another
chance.”

Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter ride costs $50 dollars, and $50 is
dollars is $50 dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take
you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not
say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word it’s $50 dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a
word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Morris replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but
$50 dollars is $50 dollars.”

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Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 10-28-2018

~ Momma always told me if looks could kill, I’d still have to resort to killing them with kindness.

~ Back in high school, I could always tell the date was going well when I heard the sobbing begin to let up in the bathroom.

~ I’m too old to do the low-hanging pants, because you’d be able to see my low-hanging fruit and that would be nuts.

~ I finally ordered OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) some new pots and pans! We won’t be able to use them for a while as we can no longer afford food, but at least she has nice pans.

~ My cardio for the day consisted of shaking the Parmesan for 32 seconds before I blanketed my pizza with it.

~ I just gotta get through this week … and then every week after that until I’m dead.

~ You’ll never truly know if you’re over someone until you’re in the car and they’re in the crosswalk.

~ There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

~ I think OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) works WAY too hard for us to be this poor.

~ I’m not ADMITTING I’m lazy, but last night I watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

~ I come from a long line of frustrated people. And today it was the line at the DMV office …

~ I’ve been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn’t say not to do that.

~ If a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, they’re inviting a serious conversation most are not equipped to handle.

~ We may be poor, but we’re not “can’t afford to drink tonight” poor.

~ Do you know what’s cooler than those fake balls hanging from your rear bumper? Everything. Every. Single. Thing. In. The. World.

~ I won’t take my sandals off in a hospital because that’s just gross, but I WILL swallow a quarter on a dare …which is the reason we were there in the first place.

~ I never did love Raymond.

~ Yeah I could have made better choices in life … but how much fun would that have been?!?

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Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 10-9-2018

~ You know you’re at a classy restaurant when the guy at the next table is blowing his nose on a CLOTH napkin.

~ Just a heads up for new members … I found out yesterday the offering plate doesn’t work like the “take a penny, leave a penny” at the gas station.

~ We live in the age of the completely uninformed “expert” opinion.

~ I play hard to get rid of.

~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else … one arm at a time.

~ I want to do something with my life, but nothing that costs more than $20.

~ Our local Jehovah’s Witnesses have a new trick where they dress up like the police and say they have a warrant … but it isn’t going to get me to come to the door. Nice try, though.

~ WHO THE HECK TOOK MY … oh wait … there it is.

~ You’d probably have an easier time taking a cub from a mother bear than trying to take some of the blankets in bed from a sleeping OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy).

~ Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

~ It’s not paranoia if the rhythm really is going to get you.

~ I don’t like who I become when I have to get out of my jammies.

~ I can communicate by interpretive dance as long as I’m allowed to use my middle fingers.

~ The first rule of Jayne Exclusion Club is never invite that bitch Jayne.

~ If you see me running and there’s no ice cream truck in front of me … you should probably run too.

~ I lean more towards Fridge than Tomb in the Raider department.

~ I’m thinking of starting a Christian rock band called Nuns ‘n’ Moses.

~ I find the problem with diets is that in order to be successful, they never end.

~ I just HATE when my necktie gets caught in the hotdog roller at 7-Eleven.

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Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 8-14-2018

~ If I didn’t constantly jump to conclusions, I’d get almost no cardio.

~ A wave of euphoria washes over me when I realize that every sock has a match.

~ I have nothing in common with people who do anything.

~ We’ve been out of Doritos since Saturday, so my diet is FULL BLOWN NOW!!

~ I’m very selective with who I let in my life because I alone am all the raging disappointment I can handle.

~ My cardio today consisted of manually turning on the TV since I couldn’t find the remote.

~ I am continually thwarted by the ‘press in’ tab on boxes of Macaroni and Cheese.

~ If elected, I promise that pizza delivery guys WILL be allowed to go through red lights like funeral processions.

~ This glass of happiness tastes a lot like Jack and Coke.

~ Apparently some of us bought our moral compass at the dollar store.

~ My new exercise regimen is performing some pretty sweet parkour moves getting from room to room because my singlewide is such a mess.

~ I nearly got into 3 major accidents on the highway today because I was trying to wave at a dog sticking it’s head out of a car window.

~ Just an FYI: You don’t need to arm wrestle the old ladies at Costco for a free sample … they just give them to you.

~ When you volunteer at a soup kitchen, apparently it’s “inappropriate” to put out a tip jar.

~ I sang Unchained Melody to my Hot Pocket as it was spinning in the microwave last night.

~ My psychiatrist asked if she could use my issues as a joke format in her stand-up routine Twitter.

~ I think 50% of my life is resetting passwords.

~ I used to think everyone who swerved all over the road was drunk driving. Now I just assume they’re texting, too.

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Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 7-24-2018

~ Does it count as saving a life if you just refrain from killing them?

~ I really want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

~ To the guy who parked his new 2108 Lexus LC 500s across two parking spaces at The Wal*Marts: Your car got paint on my keys.

~ I just saw a guy who was SO Dyslexic that he had a bumper sticker on the front of his car.

~ When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is silent, I listen very carefully.

~ My American Dream is to get fit while sitting on the couch eating Cheetos.

~ You can’t control what happens in life. But you CAN control who gets throat punched.

~ I don’t have Tourette’s. I just really hate voice mail.

~ My reality check bounced.

~ Have you ever noticed that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

~ Until I finally tuned in about halfway through the first season, I thought Deadliest Catch was a show about marriage.

~ At my recent appointment, the doctor started putting on latex gloves, so I whipped out my own pair and put them on, too. The exam went downhill from there …

~ I’ll never forget discovering that Santa isn’t real, learning how to ride a bicycle and losing my virginity. Tuesday was one heckuva day.

~ Guinness says there’s no official category, but I just realized I had 71 browsers open on my iPhone and 30 were for the Red Robin senior menu.

~ I’m not saying I’m bilingual, but I can speak Mexican food and margaritas.

~ I am SO sorry that I misunderstood when you said you wanted two fingers. I’ll go get your whiskey now.

~ 10 people in 1 suffer from multiple personality disorder.

~ It’s only an obsession if it’s bad for you … everyone knows that.

~ Anytime you hear any moans of pleasure coming from our room, it just means I’m eating fried chicken in bed … again.

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Take a Knee … 7-4-2018

Take a Knee … by Stanislaus Drew

Take a little trip to Valley Forge in January. Hold a musket ball in your fingers and imagine it piercing your flesh and breaking a bone or two. There won’t be a doctor or trainer to assist you until after the battle, so just wait your turn. Take your cleats and socks off to get a real experience.

Then, take a knee on the beach in Normandy where man after American man stormed the beach, even as the one in front of him was shot to pieces, the very sea stained with American blood. The only blockers most had were the dead bodies in front of them, riddled with bullets from enemy fire.

Take a knee in the sweat soaked jungles of Vietnam. From Khe Sanh to Saigon, anywhere will do. Americans died in all those jungles. There was no playbook that told them what was next, but they knew what flag they represented. When they came home, they were protested as well, and spit on for reasons only cowards know.

Take another knee in the blood drenched sands of Fallujah in 110 degree heat. Wear your Kevlar helmet and battle dress. Your number won’t be printed on it unless your number is up! You’ll need to stay hydrated but there won’t be anyone to squirt Gatorade into your mouth. You’re on your own.

There are a lot of places to take a knee where Americans have given their lives all over the world. When you use the banner under which they fought as a source for your displeasure, you dishonor the memories of those who bled for the very freedoms you have. That’s what the red stripes mean. It represents the blood of those who spilled a sea of it defending your liberty.

While you’re on your knee, pray for those that came before you, not on a manicured lawn striped and printed with numbers to announce every inch of ground taken, but on nameless hills and bloodied beaches and sweltering forests and bitter cold mountains, every inch marked by an American life lost serving that flag you protest.

No cheerleaders, no announcers, no coaches, no fans, just American men and women, delivering the real fight against those who chose to harm us, blazing a path so you would have the right to “take a knee.” You haven’t any inkling of what it took to get you where you are, but your “protest” is duly noted. Not only is it disgraceful to a nation of real heroes, it serves the purpose of pointing to your ingratitude for those who chose to defend you under that banner that will still wave long after your jersey is retired.

If you really feel the need to take a knee, come with me to church on Sunday and we’ll both kneel before Almighty God. We’ll thank Him for preserving this country for as long as He has. We’ll beg forgiveness for our ingratitude for all He has provided us. We’ll appeal to Him for understanding and wisdom. We’ll pray for liberty and justice for all, because He is the one who provides those things.

But there will be no protest. There will only be gratitude for His provision and a plea for His continued grace and mercy on the land of the free and the home of the brave. It goes like this, GOD BLESS AMERICA!

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