Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

SS Warrimoo … 1-2-2021

January 2, 2021


The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought Captain John Phillips, the result.

The Warrimoo’s position was LAT 0º 31′ N and LONG 179 30′ W. The date was 31 December 1899. “Know what this means?” First Mate Payton broke in, “We’re only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line.”

Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called his navigators to the bridge to check and double check the ship’s position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed.

The calm weather and clear night worked in his favor. At mid-night the SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many:

The forward part (bow) of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere and in the middle of summer.

The rear (stern) was in the Northern Hemisphere and in the middle of winter.

The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899.

In the bow (forward) part it was 1 January 1900.

This ship was therefore not only in:

Two different days,

Two different months,

Two different years,

Two different seasons

But in two different centuries – all at the same time!




Resolutions for 2021 … 30 Dec 2020

December 30, 2020

In the spirit of self-improvement, here are a few things I plan to work on next year. **Please Note – OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says this list is NO WHERE near inclusive…

My list of resolutions for 2015:

– I will think of new passwords besides “Password” and “Hello.”

– I will not tell the same story at every gathering.

– I will cut my hair.

– I will grow my hair.

– I will not shave my eyebrows off. Again…

– I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

– I will stop sending OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) the same e-mail from all 9 of my e-mail accounts.

– I will figure out why I have 9 e-mail accounts.

– I will learn to spell restuant without spell-check.

– I will work with a neglected child… if Melinda will make the time in her schedule.

– I will not reply “LOL LOL” when I hear a funny joke.

– I will buy my lottery tickets at a luckier store.

– I will remember to brush my teeth with the bristley end.

Take the time to reflect on how YOU can start to better yourself. If you’re anything like me, you have no where to go but up.


Mr Smooth … 9-7-2020

September 7, 2020

Recalling a late-night internet surfing expedition from several years back, I remember coming across this product on Amazon. Having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian, I decided to take the plunge and buy some after reading all the GLOWING reviews. I felt this had to be easier than my previous shaving attempts, as they had only been mildly successful and I had nearly put my back out trying to reach the more “difficult” spots. And being the hopeless romantic I am, I thought I would do the deed on OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and, being retired military, I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the accompanying reviews and wrote them off as soft office types.

Oh my faithful readers … how wrong I was.

I waited until OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was tucked up in bed and, after giving some vague hints about a special surprise, I went to the spare bathroom across the house. Initially, all went well. I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which, in a matter of seconds, was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

While the Baptist faith has always featured highly in my life, I suddenly became willing to convert to ANY religion to stop the violent burning around my turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of my frank and two beanies.

Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip, I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the drain hole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears, I struggled out of the bathroom, across the house, and into the kitchen. By this time, walking was not really an option, and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hopes of finding some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out, found a tub of ice cream, pulled the lid off with my toe (as my hands were busy attempting to keep my cheeks apart in hopes a cool breeze would find it’s way in), and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic, but only temporary as it melted quickly and the fiery stabbing returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub, I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen brussel sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my scalding ass. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably, and hopefully, the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with at the time was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no vegetable had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, ass in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end, pushing a sprout up my ass while muttering arhhh, ooooohhh, yes that feels good, ahhh.

Understandably, this was a shock to her and she let out a scream. As I hadn’t heard her come in, it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected, at quite some speed mind you, in her direction.

Now I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11:00 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting. And having to explain to the kid the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status.

So, to sum it up, VEET removes hair. Along with dignity and self-respect.


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 4-5-2020

April 5, 2020

~ I’m not fat … I’m just under-tall for my weight.

~ I once quit a job as a psychic due to unforeseen circumstances.

~ I find it sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.

~ If you don’t wash your hair for weeks it starts to clean itself. I can now personally attest this is not the case with underwear.

~ To me, the cowbell isn’t just an instrument … it’s a lifestyle.

~ I went by the gym today. Its still there.

~ I wish life gave me lemons instead of depression and anxiety.

~ I had a nightmare last night that competitive pizza eating isn’t a real sport.

~ If you put a Kardashian crotch near your ear you can hear an NBA game.

~ Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money …

~ I’m the picture of mental stability … IF that picture was drawn by a 3-year-old with ADHD and a broken crayon.

~ There is a better than 88% chance my chalk outline will be holding some kind of food.

~ It was like no one in the library wanted to hear me sing yesterday.

~ Thank god for new people who don’t know what’s wrong with me yet.

~ The thug life … but with a bendy straw.

~ If you can afford to pay for a life coach, then you probably don’t need a life coach.

~ Why do people say they were “sick to their stomach” as if I needed clarification … like they might’ve been “sick to their leg” or something.

~ The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

~ Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful … not when I have so many other choices.

~ I am a ray of sunshine to some folks … in the sense that long-term exposure to me will slowly kill you.


How To Cure A Headache … 12-13-2019

December 13, 2019

The doctor said, “The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles.”

He was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. But he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s
clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… a new suit…”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit..’

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… Size 44 long.”

He laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

He tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As he admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

He thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed hime and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

He was surprised. “That’s right! How did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.”

He tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How
about some new underwear?”

He thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

The salesman said, “Let’s see…Size 36.”

He laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one heck of a headache.”


Flaws … 12-7-2019

December 7, 2019


A water bearer had two large pots. One hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot always arrived only half full.

For two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master’s house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, fulfilled in the design for which it was made.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was unable to accomplish what it had been made to do.

After two years of enduring this bitter shame, the pot spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself and I apologize to you.”

“Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?”

“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and was cheered somewhat. But at the end of the trail, it still felt the old shame because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you not notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, and not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we’ve walked back from the stream, you’ve watered them.

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

Each of us has flaws. We’re all cracked pots.

But if you let these flaws shine and try being yourself, then you can use your flaws to make the world more beautiful.

Don’t be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too, can bring something beautiful to this world.

Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 8-24-2019

August 24, 2019

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has a really short commute to work each morning. I’m not sure exactly how many miles it is; I just know she barely has time to finish her beer.

~ It’s been over 40 years and we still have to push the microwave oven buttons so hard … is ANYONE even working on this?

~ It’s not a train wreck until I’VE tried to fix it.

~ When there is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead of me on the highway, I honk at the guy in front of me. You never know … it might help.

~ Found out today you cannot join a gym “just to watch.”

~ The waitress at the restaurant last night proactively gave OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) about 50 napkins. Funny thing is … I didn’t even realize we had been there before.

~ Hand sanitizer bought at the dollar store only kills like 50% of germs, tops.

~ “What? I’m not like that. I would never do that.” Says me … while being like that and totally, in all the ways, doing that.

~ There is no such thing as “extra cheese” … no matter how much more cheese you add, that becomes the correct amount.

~ I was actually amazed that nobody at The Wal*Marts wanted to pillow fight yesterday.

~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s 4yo daughter accidently “sharted” yesterday. However, being unfamiliar with that term, she stated that “toot-pooped” … so that’s now the official name for it.

~ When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says, “Clean up that jelly you spilled on the carpet,” you don’t just rub it in with your foot. I know that now.

~ Selective hearing is my new hobby.

~ At breakfast, after telling me I forgot the French Toast, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was not amused when I raised my coffee cup and said, “VIVE LA FRANCE!”

~ I’ve broken out in obesity all over my body.

Obese man’s waist

~ When people don’t think I’m funny they’re always wrong.

~ Life is too short to let someone else decide how I waste it.

~ If someone tells me “no rush” … then I’m basically never doing it.


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 8-5-2019

August 5, 2019

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has been penciling in her eyebrows ever since my great, “Don’t use too much lighter fluid” incident of 2001.

~ The majority of my posts will make you regret that you ever even learned to read.

~ My apologies to everyone who’s been hurt by my behavior. If I could do things over, I would do everything in my power to not get caught.

~ I normally don’t say sorry, but when I do I don’t mean it. And I’m sorry for that.

~ Most people are too emotionally stable for my taste.

~ So I found out today that pushing my boobs together will not help ME get out of a ticket …

~ A little known tidbit for you: Earth day is named after Paul Earth, who discovered the Earth in 1847.

~ Hold a door for a lady and you’re a gentleman. Hold a REVOLVING door for a lady and you’re a DICK … or according to this lady I have trapped at the moment.

~ When my time comes, I’ll probably go doing what I loved … eating unidentifiable leftovers just to get them out of the fridge.

~ At my age, I can’t bust a move any more. I can dent a move. Maybe scratch it up a little. And I could probably chip a move if I have to.

~ I’m not saying I struggled with mathematics in high school, but you couldn’t have added all my math test scores together and gotten an A.

~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s four-year-old likes testing me … but today I was surprised when it involved a #2 pencil, a scantron answer sheet, and questions on the Civil War.

~ Back in high school, I spent so much time in the principal’s office I kept a picture of my family on his desk.

~ I can either be part of the problem … or part of some other problem.

~ I have GOT to lose some weight. I tried getting up off the couch yesterday and ended up rocking myself to sleep.

~ It never fails … anytime OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I have an argument, she always remembers stuff I haven’t even done yet.

~ A girl smiled at me on the street today and said life was a miracle and she hoped I was having a great day. It almost made me feel bad telling her to STHU.


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 7-27-2019

July 27, 2019

~ You can imagine my disappointment when an email with the subject line “inflatable amusements” turned out to be about kid’s toys.


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 4-25-2019

April 25, 2019

~ We no longer worry about stock market volatility because we have all of our money tied up in being spent the second we get it.

~ A grown man at The Wal*Marts used the term ‘fiddlesticks’ today and his penis just dropped out of his pants leg, right there on the floor.

~ I started a new Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood support group for people with multiple personality disorders. It took me 6 hours just to check us all in.

~ Unibrows. Orrrrrrr … forehead mustaches.

~ What do I do for fun? Well … I like pajama pants and staying home.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) establishes dominance in the house by chest bumping her way to the Keurig.

~ I’m even fatter now than the last time I was fat.

~ I try to be a good friend, but if we play Uno I will Draw 4 you in a heartbeat … just so you know what you’re getting into.

~ Our Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor has decided the time is right to tell his Cabbage Patch Kid she’s adopted.

~ Nothing tells your age more than what makes you dance.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) told me she caught a cold from me that I faked.

~ Not to brag, but I was the only one in the elevator with an air horn today.

~ You know what I’d like to see? I’d really like to see John Hancock sign his name on a credit card machine with his finger. THAT’S what I’d like to see.

~ I find it VERY odd that the only two times you hear yourself “pronounced” something, you’re either “dead” or “husband and wife.”

~ It’s amazing how drunk you can be at a laundromat before it becomes a problem.

~ I just wish I could slide across the hood of my car like the old lady in front of The Wal*Marts did yesterday.

~ There’s not a thing in the world wrong with my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s son playing with his sister’s dolls … except for me posting about it, apparently.

~ If they made the Operation game with my body it would be twice the size and wouldn’t have a heart.